Dec. 26 should also be called "Black Friday," or, whatever day it falls on.

The day after Thanksgiving is typically called Black Friday because that's when everyone goes into full gear with their Christmas shopping and that alone is supposed to help the Retailers get into the Black so to speak with profits. Luckily, with the convenience of the internet, people like myself enjoy either VERY early shopping (like in October), or shoppping on the internet to avoid pushy sales people or rude customers who can't even change lanes with their shopping carts in places like Target or Costco.

Yesterday, I made a trip to our local Target to simply buy some main essentials, not really thinking about "after Christmas sales." But once I was there, the parking lot was full. People were backing out of their parking spaces without looking, some were practically running pedestrians over with their vehicles as they would come out of the store pushing a cart full of sales items. When I walked in, there were carts literally in every aisle and section of the store. But the one place I went to almost immediately was most likely the worst - the Christmas aisle. Everything was 50% off or more. I couldn't get passed people's parked carts or their parked asses. They would stand there and pretend they don't even see that someone is trying to get by them. Then they would have a hissy fit and bitch left and right just because you finally have the balls to say, "Excuse me!" because it's such a chore for them to move a couple of inches to make room for you.

The funniest part of that visit to Target was listening to an older couple, husband and wife, trying to pick and choose which greeting cards set they wanted. The wife had picked one kind while the husband picked another kind. The husband had exclaimed to the wife, in what sounded like a crappy British accent, "I really don't care for that one... I'm not interested in charity." I have NO idea why he said that since the card set she was holding up had nothing to do with charity. Then she showed him a set that had a picture of Times Square on it, which provoked him to say, "What does that have to do with me?" She finally gave up after he picked a set feeling like she wasn't going to win. The whole time they stood there in debate, I felt like telling the husband, "Will you just shut up!? You're giving off a smell like you've been in a jar of pickled pig's feet!"

Black Friday's reputation has indeed befallen the day after Christmas, not because of profits and numbers, but because of how quickly the spirit of Christmas has left people's minds and hearts. They only come for a quick bargain.

There is a reason for a 15-day absence

It's called vacation! Duh people, get with the program!

No really... it's been all work, work, work up until last Friday. What made things worse was that I was totally trying to fight the flu bug that had been floating around and people in the office were still making me go out in the pouring rain to buy them goodies for the last get-together before the office was shut down for the Holidays. I wasn't even going to stick around for it but they wanted me to buy them shit anyway. They saw and heard how sick I was but they didn't care. They just wanted their damn beer and chips. Instead I managed to coax one of my co-workers into getting the stuff since she had her heart set on having wine. After Friday, I was free of misery! Well, for the most part. I still had to deal with the Holiday shoppers. Even with great sales and deals, people were still bitchy as ever.

Putting aside that I was visited by a friend who is also a celebrity, I was still, quite frankly, very annoyed that I didn't get to see my parents for the Holidays. It did, on the upside, snow on Christmas Day. It wasn't even half an inch, but it was enough to make up for all the bullshit I had to go through leading up to the day.

I'm one of Santa's elves, stuck babysitting for an office of 20

We had our office party last night. After a week of hell, it's finally over with. This week has been the worst week I've ever had at the office. I had people coming at me left and right expecting me to make their priorities my own. Being the only administrative person around, I feel like their pulling me in all directions and they're not hearing me when I say "it has to wait" because they continue to pull. I swear, if they keep this up, they will soon have to learn to fend for themselves because I won't put up with it much longer.

Our Nation's Veterans have no place in the working world

Recently, a friend of my partner's was venting about applying for work at placed like Fred Meyer's, Albertson's, etc. These people tell him that they won't hire him because he has no work experience. What the fuck people! The man fought for our country in Iraq because of our brainless president! How can you sit there and say he has no work experience! It takes a big set of balls and the guts to joing the military and be sent off to another country and engage the enemy in combat for something they may or may not believe in. One thing's for sure: he fought that we may continue to have the freedom we bask in day in and day out and take for granted. It's idiots like the hiring people who don't put this into consideration. I bet if the roles were reversed they'd think twice. I just pray that he can find a job sooner or later. The same happened to my dad when he retired from the Air Force. After serving his country for over 25 years, no one in San Francisco wanted to hire him. He finally landed a security job because the security and public safety industries like people with military and law enforcement background. The downfall however is the same as the military - you gain health issues and aren't taken care of properly.

"We're going out because I said so..."

I've never really been big on socializing. I'm a very private person. I enjoy time to myself, but if I were to be around people, I prefer that it's with a small group, which to me is no more than 10 people. I have a strange phobia of crowds. It was especially tough when I worked in malls. Christmas season was the worse. I think, for the most part, that as long as I'm in good company or with people I love being around with, I can be myself openly and feel quite comfortable. When it comes to meeting new people, I feel like I'm at work. I'm "forced" to be a certain way until I feel ready to let them get to know the real me. But more than half the time, I'm not even motivated to do this. Like cravings for certain foods, my "want" to meet new people comes when it wants to. Yes, it's a very rare occasion, but it does happy. I've fallen into a comfort zone after relocating from California and I've grown to embrace it, enjoy it and very unwilling to let it change. My partner has been making friends at school so I've been feeling a lesser of a need to fulfill that end of the bargain of meeting new people for her since she's done that very well for herself. I may be somewhat of a hermit and have the tendency to ostracize myself, but I have yet to ascertain the reasoning behind this. It could be perhaps because I've been hurt one too many times in the past that I've just thrown the towel in and feel my efforts will be a waste of energy and time.

So when I'm told I have to go somewhere and it runs outside the perimeter of my personal plans/ wishes, naturally I'm going become bitchy and sound like a cry-baby, because I'm not getting my way. But it also doesn't mean I won't end up enjoying myself.

Why my last two employers can't keep good employees

They are full of Performace Inhibitors (mostly the head managers at the property I worked at in Palo Alto, CA):

1.) Culture is non-commercial, non-competitive, and non-profit oriented
2.) The urge to achieve outstanding results is not great and people seldom persist in the face of difficulties.
3.)there is little opportunity for taking on leadership responsibilities or directing other people.
4.) Self-Confidence is equated with arrogance and denigrated, and people are discouraged from taking control of their own workload.
5.) There are few opportunities for analyzing and solving problems.
6.) Conventional attitudes prevail, traditional approaches are preferred and people are discouraged from generating new ideas.
7.) The focus is short rather than longer term, tactical rather than strategic.
8.) Influence is by means of command and control rather than by persuasion and negotiation.

If only I could tell you which companies these are, I would because I would never want to wish this on anyone. It really is hell on Earth.

Hollywood celebs rack up DUI'S!!!

Is it just me, or do celebrities feel that in order to get more attention, they have to be stopped and jailed for DUI? Recently there was Kiefer Sutherland, then Vivica Fox, of course Lindsey Lohan, Britney Spears, and the notorious Nicole Ritchie. Does that mean if I get paid millions on top of millions and drive a nice car, I can go out and drive drunk or high? Today's society is just not fair!

Rain = puddles as Car = wet pants

We got hit with two storms back to back over this past weekend in Portland, OR and surrounding areas. When Monday morning came along, I walked to my bus stop as usual. The rain and wind was still kickin' good. When I reached the corner that I normally cross to get to my bus stop, it was flooded - the rain reached my ankles. When I looked at the other corners to see if I could cross elsewhere to avoid treading through waters, it was no use. The worse part was in fact at my actual bus stop. The water reached 2 inches above my ankles because the storm drain was backed up. On top of that, every car that drove by saw the water and still drove through it like maniacs, causing my pants to become soaked up to my knees. I yelled and cussed out at several drivers because there was nothing else better for me to do. Why drive through thick, raging puddles knowing someone is standing right there and there's nowhere else for them to go? Think you're cute? Fuckers...

Deadbeat employer feels need to protect themselves from what they lost

So one of my best friends quit her job today. It's something that's been on her mind for quite a while for similar reasons why I left the same company. The most pathetic thing they could do (and they did do this) was escort her off property. It's like implying that she's a threat to the place. For God's sakes, the woman is leaving because your company is pathetic. There's nothing more precious to this company except their money. They care more about what they consider to be a threat to their name than someone who was worked to the bone, gave a crap about their job and did their damndest to make it into a better place. This large, worldwide property company has got to be the worst company I ever worked for. You bring up a situation that pertains to slander and heresay, they immediately dismiss it. But once you get an audit and you fuck up on it, EVERYONE'S heads roll. It doesn't matter if just one person is at fault.

My friend gets escorted off the property (she didn't break any laws, didn't steal or anything); within 10 minutes of submitting her resignation, her phone was disconnected. Talk about not wasting time!!! Don't these people have anything else better to do?!?

Sick in the head? Perhaps...

So I'm going around thinking that something's seriously wrong with, esp. after describing my symptoms to a doctor over the phone. Although it was only a "half diagnosis" because I hadn't had any official tests run on me, the doc's words were still scary nonetheless. It's practically a lost cause because I can't even talk about it with my loved ones. You see, I'm a hypochondriac. Hypochondriacs always think the worse and have the tendency to think they're dying of something as serious as Cancer, etc. Therapy for such a condition involves being able to talk about what's on their mind and being able to literally "feel the release" by doing so. I've also been meditating/ praying. But the part that fucks with my head the most is the fact that I still can't talk about it with the people I love the most because my cries of worry are ignored. I most likely brought this on myself because I'm a crybaby when it comes to not feeling well. Could it be that their reactions are adding to the negative way my health feels because I'm not getting the help I need? Perhaps... or perhaps this really is all in my head... quite literally. One thinks that I'm crying for attention. I get attention 24/7 so I don't feel the need for it. I really think I someone to screw my head on right and tell me, "It's okay. Just let it out. Tell me why you feel this way. Why do you think you're sick? What makes you say that? What do you think you need to do to take care of this?" No. That's not what happens. That's the problem. Nothing happens. I just continue to live in fear. I could easily pick up my Happy Meal ass and run to a doctor's office and ask for a head-to-toe physical to make sure I'm just peachy-keen... but even that takes money, another thing I don't have. Talk about whining... Jesus. Someone, call the Whaaaambulance for me.

I have a million bucks I can deposit in my bank account!

NOT!!!!

Alexander Smith from the grand state of Georgia tried to pull a fast one at his bank by attempting to deposit a fake million-dollar bill. This made the news on CNN and Fox News, so he obviously accomplished on getting the attention he wanted but for the wrong reason. Mr. Smith needs, I think, a good history lesson. The only current forms of currency (not coins) that are in existence today in the US are what you always see: Washington ($1), Jefferson (for any of the left over Two-dollar bills), Lincoln ($5), Hamilton ($10), Jackson ($20), Grant ($50) and Franklin ($100-It's all about the Benjamins baby!). The largest currency ever printed was the $100,000 bill which was stopped in 1934 because of the state the economy was in. There were $500, $1,000, $5,000, and $10,000 bills made but those were ended in 1969 for similar reasons - that and because people just had no use for them. No one could ever have managed to have change for extra large bills. There has never been a million-dollar bill in print for the US, except in the game of LIFE by Milton Bradley. Nice try Mr. Smith, but, no cigar. 10 out of 10 for this fool.

Time to put an extra squeeze on OJ!

The 60 yr. old O.J. Simpson is submitting the same plea as he did when he was accused of the untimely and horrific death of Nicole Brown Simpson. "NOT GUILTY." He is claiming he is innocent of the robbery and kidnapping charges recently affixed to him. Of course he's innocent! He's O.J.! What... EVER! If he's innocent, then I'm a virgin. We need to put this guy out of circulation. He's so deluded that he's believing his own lies. I've no tolerance for compulsive liars, celebrity or not.

The everyday-news meteorologist vs. The Weather Channel

Living in Portland, OR has gotten me all excited to be able to experience all four seeasons again after wasting away over 20 years in California. Last night we had a select few meteorologists saying that the outskirts of Portland were going to receive a few "snow showers." I live in the outskirts of Portland. There was nothing! Then other meteorologists were saying that Troutdale and Beaverton were getting snow. I turned on the news on TV and then looked at the weather forecast online with Yahoo. They were the complete opposite of each other. The TV had ice in Troutdale at 32 degrees while Yahoo had rain showers at 44 degrees. I'm no meteorologist however I have been interested in the field for as long as I can remember. We've got modern technology people!!! USE THE SHIT RIGHT! Every meteorologist is bound to make mistakes as 60% of the time their forecasts are usually predictions and guesses. But seeing that difference between what TV and Yahoo had made me pissed to no end. Are we or are we not going to get snow damn it?!?!

Bah-Humbug is totally okay in the office

So we come to the time where we show our merry selves and have goodwill towards man... yadda yadda yadda. I'm in an office of approximately 20 people. It's a wonderful Firm to work for but the people within this particular office are seemingly getting the hang of taking advantage of the fact that they have someone who is willing to work hard, namely me, so they start to throw things at me as though I'm a clown that's good with juggling. What I hate most is that one of the things they keep bugging me about involves the use of a certain software that I'm not familiar with and have openly admitted to everyone that I don't know what I'm doing when I have to use the software... yet no one knows what they're doing either so I'm left without anyone to train me on it. BUT... regardless of this fact, they still come at me like a pack of lunatics high off of meth or something. "I need this... I need that... I want this... I want that..." Lay off bitches! What gets me, too, is that they continue to bitch and whine while the phone is ringing, and I'm supposed to pick up the main line within two or three rings. And THEY get upset if I interrupt to tell them to wait so I can pick up the phone. I like helping people as much as the next person, but if it means it's with something they can do themselves, I'm cool... I want to be far from whatever it is. I won't waste your time so don't waste mine. I don't sit at the front desk to look pretty.

Haunting flashbacks of high school

Not exactly a thought that I want to bring up on Thanksgiving Day, but what the hell. You know when you have dreams while you're in a deep sleep... only that they're not dreams but vivid and detailed flashbacks of things that have happened to you? Well, I woke up at 7:30 this morning to use the bathroom and went back to bed thinking I can sleep for about another hour. And I did. I started to have flashbacks of the clique I used to hang around with during Junior and Senior year of high school; I started to remember where each of my lockers were located. Then I had a vision of myself standing before the group of girls (it was an all-girl high school) saying sorry to them that I shouldn't have apologized for. It had to do with plans for prom, I remember that much. But was pissed me off was that after giving an uncalled-for heartfelt apology, they all (all 7 of them) laughed in my face and disregarded everything. That led me to simply walking away from them in a huff and I never hung around with them again. For the last two months of my Senior year, I had no friends. I graduated a happy girl because I couldn't wait to leave those bitches behind. Come to find out that many of the girls went out talking behind my back for all four years because they all thought I was odd... An extremist... And gay. They all swore that I would be miserable and saw to it that I would at least get to suffer in high school. Well, needless to say I did suffer is some ways, but that's all a part of growing up isn't it? Thankfully (okay, maybe it does have something to do with Thanksgiving) enough, what they did to me helped me to be a stronger person, which made me what I am and who I am today. A happy, loving, caring person. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

"I Love New York" was sincere for once!

As much as I hate to admit it, I do love New York. The girl has poor grammar and she sometimes her tearful pleas with the boys are a bit overactive for my taste, yet there's something about her that catches my attention. And last night, she managed to prove to me what it is that I tend to pay such special close attention to. Despite all her flaws, she is still HUMAN. She had Real and Chance (from Season 1) return to the show to help her get to the bottom of what was really up with her boys, especially with Pretty.


Pretty dug his own grave by telling the brothers (Real and Chance) that everyone in his family had met the girls he was ever in love with, while his own sister tells New York and Sister Patterson that no one in the family has met ANY of his girlfriends. Alright, correct me if I'm wrong, but, Pretty's sister had nothing to lose, but Pretty had to hold his own and protect his manhood with Real and Chance? Okay... can you say, "GAY?"

Entertainer was said to have a bad temper, Buddha, who is one of Sister Patterson's boys, is said to have violent tendencies... can you imagine what Sister Patterson felt when she heard this? Afterall, he did attack one of her other boys. And as big a pussy Tailor Maid is, he still didn't deserve it, and I'm still voting for him. Turns out that Tailor Maid's story checked out to be 100% on the real with New York, so he is still getting hands down kudos with her. I will admit that I was worried there for a second. I almost thought she was going to bring Chance back. But who kept her in line? REAL!!! Boy kept it real for real - no pun intended.


New York had dinner with Chance and Real and got the 411 she needed. When elimination time came, she gave a heartfelt apology to all the guys... and for once I felt her tears were real. Chance had his name for a reason. He had his "chance" already and it's long gone. Time to move aside and let Tiffany Patterson find a real man - no, not Flave.

Merry Christmas vs. Happy Holidays

The choice of words is exactly that... your choice. Apparently, you must be careful what you say and to whom. Why? Well in brief, the term "Christmas" is derived from "Christ," hence the birth of Christ. Whereas with "Happy Holidays," you are greeting the general consensus with something that can be taken without a grimace or cringe. Those who are agnostic or atheist may not appreciate the term Merry Christmas, OR, the term means something completely different to them. I on the other hand use both. If I don't know the person, it's always Happy Holidays because I don't want to guess their religion/ beliefs. So why say Merry Christmas if you don't believe? What makes the Holidays so Happy? The typical cliche: families at home, opening a canister of Folger's coffee, little girl crying out, "Peter!" Then there's the home videos of kids opening their presents... watching everyone around the table having a home-cooked meal. Prior to all this, you have to beat the crowds to shop for what you want for others. You've got the weather working against you in some parts of the nation. There's homeless people everywhere searching for shelter to hide from the fierce cold air; they need nourishment, even if it's alcohol to warm them up. So again, what makes the Holidays so Happy? Take it for what it's worth - Christmas is the spirit of giving and goodwill towards men - just not when it comes to G.W. Bush - whereas the Happy of Happy Holidays is what you make of it.

Nacho Libre robbed a 7-Eleven!!!

A Grand Blanc Township (Michigan) 7-Eleven store had a nice surprise from a male subject who spent close to 10 minutes in the store wearing different clothes and then decided to portray Nacho Libre by placing the famous aqua blue and red mask on his face and proceeded to rob the place. I loved Nacho Libre not just because I love Jack Black but because its strange humor content was amusing to say the least. So... after the movie has been out for nearly two years, why in the hell would this Michigan man decide to use this mask instead of the good ol' fashioned ski mask with the holes for the eyes and mouth? Or even Hanes Pantyhose to stretch your face where you look like someone sat on your face and passed gas a bunch of times? I guess he wanted to "rob from the rich and give to the poor," namely himself... he's got pick something with more class I think if he plans on doing it again. Perhaps the mask from V for Vendetta?

Britney's alibi - "Oops, I did it again!"

Baby girl, there is no more "oops" chances for you. You need to retire. You need to call it quits. By screwing up your child custody issues, your marriage, and for that matter, yourself, you have given yourself and your public enough evidence to prove that it is time for you to throw in the towel and retire while you're still ahead. Unless of course you wish to continue to sabotage your career, then be my guest.

You know, to think that I once liked Britney Spears and really respected her talent. Now that I look at her, she reminds me of a street walker in the Tenderloin District in San Francisco.


This is what Britney's shindig should've looked like at the MTVMA:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hZrD6eYbQBc

Identity Theft is of no consequence for Rite Aid

I went to Rite Aid to purchase goodies for my office as we do our little get-together every other Friday. I have to use my boss' Mastercard which is also a company credit card to purchase the items. The card has his name on it. I went to Rite Aid, grabbed a bunch of chips, cookies, dip, and beer. 1.) The cashier did not check my ID for my age, and 2.) He didn't bother to acknowledge the fact that the name on the credit card was a man's name and I'm a regular customer there - they know my name. They could've doubted me and thought that I stole the credit card. I mean, I was buying alcohol... I could've been and 18 yr. old from PSU trying to booze up for the weekend! Very trusting those Rite Aid employees at NW 10th and Hoyt. They worry me.

Vicodin prevails!

I've had different situations of being "high." The high I get from Vicodin has ranged from feeling quite good and numb to freaking out from noise and bright light and having major mood swings... accompanied by profuse sweating and freakish nightmares. Last night I dreamt of four dead family members.

Is this really helping me or doing more psychological harm than it needs to? For God's sakes I just want the pain to go away! If I wanted to be high I'd be making friends with Mary Jane or Salvia!

Tooth extraction extravaganza!

I've heard horror stories of when people had to get a tooth pulled at the dentist. I walked into my appointment this past Thursday hoping for the best under the impression I was going to be given Nitrous. I had Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon downloaded on my MP3 player and I was ready to fly. Doc gave me not one, not two, but five shots to numb me up. What's weird is that I didn't feel any prickling pain from the needle entering my gum so that was nice for a change. But when she pulled out the apparatus to use for pulling the tooth out, I was already numbed up with my mouth wide open so I couldn't say, "Wait! Where's my nitrous?!" One of dental assistants came out to see how I was doing and said, "Oh dear, we were supposed to give you nitrous weren't we?" I nodded my head as little as I could since the doc had my "open" so to speak. Doc looked down at me and said "Why did you say anything you silly thing?!" I said, with what tongue feeling I had left, "I couldn't!" They all laughed. Well I'm glad they all had a blast at my expense! So instead, doc gave me another two shots that got my all groggy. The left side got so numbed up that my left eyelid didn't even close all the way when I would blink. I looked like a freak! When the yanking of the tooth happened, I could hear the grinding and feel the pulling... I started to tremble. It was so surreal. No pain, yet I was freaking out! I shook until five minutes into her chat with the assistant she decided to say, "Your tooth is out by the way," and proceeded to play with my cheeks! WTF?

I left the office looking even more freakish with my left cheek so swollen that I could see it as I looked down. Every person on the streetcar that I took to go to Rite Aid to get my prescription kept looking at me. I felt like saying, "What, you've never seen someone with a sack of marbles in their mouth before?"

I Love New York: Tailor Made, even pussy whipped, gets to stay

Tiffany, a.k.a. New York, knows how the game is played. She's already released some of "Mamma's Boys," which obviously didn't make the mom happy one damn bit. BUT... there is a but... Moms decided to make Mr. Wise one of her "boys," and was bitter off the fact that he wouldn't be her eyes and ears to the place. Although the other brothers like Punk and Pretty didn't say anything, Tailor Made was sure of himself and made it known to everyone at the dinner table that he was going to do what it takes to win both their hearts. When all hell broke lose between him and Mr. Wise, the spitting not only reminded more than half of I Love New York viewers of that unforgettable moment on Flavor of Love when Pumpkin had spit that nice wad at New York. Her act nearly had me convinced of how disgusted (as she claimed) she was with Tailor Made, but I knew that the little twinkle and tingle in her was telling her, "I must not let go of this white boy... he's willing to do anything and everything for me... he's got nothing but love for New York... not to mention a shit load of money..." OF COURSE THE BITCH KEPT HIM! One MAJOR problem with Tailor Made: If you decide to spit, back your shit up! No! pussy boy, sitting in the corner, keeps what he refers to as his "weak legs" up in the air to prevent Mr. Wise from attacking him. Tailor Made lost his threading... bitch boy can't fight worth a shit! That's exactly what New York needs! Someone she can push around and will please her 24/7 and that's exactly what he'll deliver, besides three dozens of red roses that "It" will try to claim. WTF? New York even kept It after his attempt to stick his tongue in her mouth - should've known she wouldn't let him go, she's into that nasty shit. New York's two main goals: Sex, and money.

Office Manager = Office Monkey

I don't remember "babysitter" being a part of my job description. If anything, I'm supposed to knit-pick them for causing too much spending on office supplies, not about making them do the dishes or not being willing to use Tylenol because they MUST have Advil. Jesus, people! We're trying to make plans on what to do for our Holiday dinner this year, but it's ultimately up the big boss on where we're going and when. Unfortunately, I can't force an answer out him, however, he knows that I need one and he knows I've been working on ideas. Meanwhile, I've got people coming to me whining about "Well when? Where? Why don't you know already? We need to figure this out now before it gets too late!" Guess what people? IT'S NOT UP TO ME AND YOU KNOW IT! So, leave me the hell alone! I've got my own shit to worry about!

So-called friends need etiquette lessons

I'm to assume that when someone considers themselves a friend to you, that means they will be exactly that, a friend. That means, they call you, or email you, or come visit you when they have time. It's been well over a year since I got married and they were IN my wedding and over three months since I moved from my hometown... there are people who are on Yahoo IM and they see me as available, but do they even say, "Hey! How's it going?" Nope! They sit there like a total stranger. This has been going on for as long as I can remember. There's MySpace.com too... they don't get in touch through that either! Do me a favor people... don't say you're my friend and then drop from the face of the earth - not to mention talk smack behind my back. A pox on your other friendships! I bet mildew on the walls from humidity make better friends than you!

Loud mouths disturbing the peace

You're on your way home from a hard day at work. You were running around like a headless chicken and you were trying to please 10 people simultaneously, which all in all meant you were babysitting your office. You get on the bus on time which is amazing for a Thursday evening. You're on board what is seemingly a quiet bus. You close your eyes and start to unwind. You feel yourself dozing off. Then you hear this person's cell phone ring, and they happen to have it on maximum volume, so everyone and their mom on the bus can hear it. Sitting two seats away from me was this large, Amazon-type Caucasian woman taking her phone out of her purse. She puts it to her ear and yells out, "HELLO?!" She had to have been in her early 20's from the way she was dressed, acting, and talking - oh, and her make-up job was one to be desired. She carried on in her conversation, acting as though she couldn't hear herself. There was absolutely no noise coming from the bus except the engine running and the brakes squeeking. Everyone on the bus literally stared down at her. One old lady, who you'd think would have poor hearing, had to cover her ears because the bitch was that loud. At one point, this girl said, "I hate this rain... I left the house with my hair looking amazing, and then the rain fucked it all up!" I looked at her hair... not only were her roots showing (she dyes it blonde, but I could see dark brown roots), but her hair was flat and dead at the ends. There was no body to it. It looked like it hadn't been washed for days. The way she dressed appeared to be her attempt to look hip, but it was only an implication to me that she didn't know h0w to dress. She looked around at everybody and yelled into the phone, "Everyone's staring at me like they've never seen a woman before!" I had to laugh, which I could tell she didn't appreciate. Finally, the bus driver said, "If you don't shut up, I'm kicking you off the bus right now." There was dead silence while we sat at a red light. She grabbed her belongings while keeping the phone at her ear, and got off the bus. "Well!" I started, "That was easy!" Everyone cheered and laughed.

I took a ride on the #17, in... the Twilight Zone...

It was as cold this morning as it was yesterday. A nippy 38 degrees, but the fog was missing, which to me implies that the day will be somewhat warmer in the afternooon. I got to my bus stop about 3 minutes earlier than I normally would. The bus was about 2 minutes early. As usual, I had my bus fare out in my hand, ready to feed the fare taker. In my normal routine, I boarded while saying, "Good morning!" But when I looked up, it wasn't my regular bus driver, an older white guy by the name of Ken. It was young, clean shaven black guy. I'm thinking, "Hey! Where's Ken? He NEVER misses a day!" Just yesterday he was fine and then he's not there... totally threw me off. I looked around the bus, and I didn't recognize a single passenger except for the older Asian fellow sitting next to me who I usually see on the evening bus when I go home from work. All the usual people who take the same bus as me weren't there! So I'm sitting there, feeling like I'm on the wrong #17 bus, trying to work my little tired and half-asleep brain, wondering if I caught an "early" bus that was running late, but then again, that was the same scheduled bus I would've taken on a normal day anyway... but should it matter?

So we move on. Once over the Ross Island bridge, there is a turn that the bus makes on its route, that is a right turn on SW 1st Ave. I'm dozing in out of consciousness when all of a sudden I heard a lady passenger yell out, "Hey! Where you going?" The driver, who I now realized had a slight resemblance to Ralph Tresvant from New Edition, said, "Aww man! I thought I was on the 9 for a minute there! Aww man...." He couldn't stop smiling at himself out of embarassment. He started to get busy pushing buttons on his litter transmitter to enter certain types of info that headquarters receives on their end since it will effect the route. He made up for his lost time quickly and turned on a street that cut the route by only stops. Not once did the bus have a person left standing without a seat. It was that empty. About 6 stops before mine, I saw one more recognizable person get on, but even then, that person looked "odd" in their own way. I got to work about 5 minutes earlier than expected. I don't know how, but I did. It was, after all, a ride in... the Twilight Zone.

Vicodin and Penicillin cocktail

I don't mind the antibiotics, except that having GERD creates more uneasiness in the stomach. While the infection is being wiped out so to speak, I've got Vicodin in generic form lingering in my system. The stuff has got me so numbed that sitting at work has become unbearable. My attention span is nill, and then I feel all giggly out of nowhere. Granted the pain is almost completely gone, I in the meantime have to sit at my desk like a zombie. Why can't there be Vicodin for the day time?

Roloff Farm pumpkins vs. Sauvie Island pumpkins

I went to visit the Roloff Family, of "Little People, Big World," farm this past Sunday with my partner and her mom. It was all in good fun. I was looking forward to seeing someone from the Roloff family. Luckily, we got to see Matt Roloff on one of his tractors, talking to a State Trooper. When we reached the pumpkin patch, there was almost nothing left. Granted we arrived in the early afternoon hours, and there were lines of people there, I would think that they'd come prepared, being a celebrity family and all - being on The Learning Channel does in fact give them that status. It was amazing on how much more mud there was in comparison to pumpkins! We didn't manage to get any good sized pumpkins for carving, but we grabbed a few Cinderella pumpkins that were good enough to be drawn on. Today, I go to Sauvie Island with a couple of co-workers, and the first farm we hit, there were hundreds on top of hundreds and hundreds more of pumpkins. It was amazing! All you see from the main entrance, in the horizon, was a large patch of orange - it was beautiful. Roloff's, you may be cute on TV, but the Pumpkin Farm of Sauvie Island won you over. There were pumpkins there that were even taller than you.

Marie Osmond was winded...

... At least she says she faints "whenever she feels winded," and it happens "from time to time." Geez, Marie, what other activities have you been doing to make you feel winded to cause you to faint so much? The last person I knew to faint that much was Harry Potter whenever he came across a Dementor or was knocked on the head. Marie didn't even want immediate medical attention. Instead, she wanted to see a doctor after getting her scores. Go figure... she got 21 out of 30. I'd want a doctor, too.

Doctors - helping the needy, or money? Which should I pick?

Doctors as well as dentists and other professionals in the medical field take an oath where they help people in need. They're there to provide a service to those with health issues whether they have money or not. They're in the business to save lives, just like law enforcement and fire fighters. So why then would someone who is experiencing a great deal of pain due to an infection that could worsen without proper attention and has no insurance because they're still a new employee or they only work part time, must they suffer because they can't pay $100 to $300 for medical attention and medication? What in blazers has this god-forsaken country come to? Michael Moore's film Sicko focuses on how screwed up the system is. I hate to say it, but if you have no money, you can pretty much say you'll have sucky health. So how then are we so over populated? I know the rich don't exactly outnumber the poor...

Ellen DeGeneres vs. Mutts and Moms

Ellen is "in the dog house" according to mass media because she gave her dog away to her hair dresser since Iggy (her dog) just wasn't working out with the living situation. She cried and sobbed because Iggy was taken back by the non-profit organization where Iggy came from. Her hair dresser's two daughters had already bonded with Iggy; Mutts and Moms took Iggy away because Ellen had violated an agreement - a contract she had signed with Mutts and Moms. If things weren't working out, she was to return Iggy to them. She gave Iggy to people who would care for him and provide a good home for him - and not return him to a cage where there's very little much-needed attention given. Mutts and Moms could care less that a celebrity did what they felt was best... so they're giving Ellen crap. They won't even come back with a response to this. It was enough for me to see and hear Ellen cry wholeheartedly for the first time to know her intentions were good. Screw Mutts and Moms - and what the hell kind of name is that anyway? What, are they into seeing moms screw mutts or something? Ellen, don't let someone that small get you down. If anything, you should shut them down and give away all their mutts to good families.

Anxieties of anxiety attacks

My throat feels like it's closing up... I feel like I have to keep taking deep breaths to get air in my lungs... my ears keep popping.

Great, now my body temperature is changing and I feel like I have to pee all the time... my hands are either clammy or sweaty... my head is pounding... and I've got muscles twitching in places that are just odd and funky.

WTF? All I'm doing is working! Maybe work makes me anxious. Or maybe I'm anxious to get home and get high...

Etiquette for idiots: Birthday and Wedding presents

For those who have no manners or are just plain dumb:

If you have been invited to a wedding, remember that you are eating a free meal and drinking free alcohol. In turn, buy the couple a freakin' wedding present! Don't just show up and say "thanks for invite!" Even a card is good... to show that you're acknowledging a once in a lifetime event.

Birthday presents aren't always necessary for those who aren't so picky and choosey. Cards make most people happy - even flowers or a little something that's homemade. If you really forget, the belated cards are always helpful. But if you have someone in your life that you deem to be important but really can't buy a thing for them, pick up the damn phone and call a bitch up! Especially if they remember your birthday every year without fail... why must you forget theirs?

C'mon people! Grow a set of balls and get with the program!

Keepin' the Brown down in Portland

Today, during a staff meeting, we learned that there will be a fim crew in our office next week to do a DVD of our firm. My boss specifcially pointed out that one person, if not two, in particular will have their face on the video because, get this: their White enough. Yup! You got it! Good ol' Whitey is getting first dibs on a video. This is largely thanks to a former employee, whom many of the staff who have been here a long time know and dislike her. It was apparently all her idea to do this filming with this person because our firm is "full of minorities in the SF office." Okay, you know what? We're in Portland, Oregon. Sure, we may not be as diverse and colorful as SF is, but the fact remains that there are still many, many different people here. The owner, founder and CEO of this firm is Black for God's sakes! And she wants a, as my boss put it, "a pastey white person in plaid" for this video. No wonder she doesn't work here! If she did I'd drop kick her ass into the dirt... that'll turn her to a nice baby-shit brown color!

Client shagging a contracted employee

It's one thing to follow the rules because you want to be good, but it's another thing to take advantage of something that's not rightfully yours all because the boss says it's okay. Hell the boss-man should get his ass whupped, too! So I leave my old job because it was filled with dishonest and two-faced assholes. My position went to an immature kid who swore she'd never want the job because she couldn't handle it. I assured her that she'd want it after seeing the pay and would wind up being a pushover for the boss who doesn't even know how to do a spreadsheet let alone an email attachment. She's not only in the job position, but she's also shagging one of the contracted employees to the company. Conflict of interest? What's that? Well as long as the boss is okay with it and we're not hurting anyone it's fine... no harm done! Sure, if you want to forget to you all look like ho's and greedy-ass muthafu%*as! Nothing like the Coroporate world who goes around preaching- "Come... follow me... take this path that led me to eternal glory and wealth and I will show you the way to become brainwashed and believe in only one way - OUR way." I want to feel sorry for her because at one time I did consider her a friend, but instead she turned out to be lying beeeyotch just like the rest. A word to the wise - choose your friends carefully. People are still going to drive hard to get what they want no matter what it takes.

Attacked by Dragon "Lady?" on the bus

I say this with "?" because I really couldn't tell if it was indeed a man or a woman. I'm on the bus going home and about three stops after I got on, this big amazon of a person gets on. I was involved with the game I was playing on my cell phone so I never bothered to look up at their face, but I could see dress shoes on to a pair of what looked like size 13 men's feet, painted toes, a velvety skirt that dropped to the lower calves, and a black leather coat. The smell that permeated from them was like wet dog, perhaps because it was raining outside. Well anyway, they got mad because I wouldn't scoot over to the next seat for them to take my seat - I hate being squished against the window esp. by a big lug like that - so I simply moved my legs over so he/she could sit by the window. I had my headphones on so I couldn't hear what they mumbled. Once he/she was sitting down, I gave my neck a rest from looking down for too long. When I looked out the fogged up window, there was the thing, with platinum blonde hair and a beret on top. The hands were folded on top of the purse that was really the size of a carry-all bag. Those hands! They were HUGE! And not to mention hairy. The nails... OMG. I kid you not. The nails were all fake and painted badly. The fake nail that was on the thumb was the size of my whole pinky finger. Then their cell phone rang. In a deep, baritone voice, "Hello? Hi Joanne..." I don't know what stopped me from making faces and noises. Growing up in San Francisco, I've seen many drag queens and cross dressers - so many it'd make your head spin. But you know, most were tasteful and elegant, some were even better looking than real women. This guy next to me? He was from the Dollar Store of drag queens. Yeck! Those nails were coming at me like I was a salami to be sliced! Darlings, be who you are by all means, but please, for the love of God, look your part, too! You don't have to wear your Sunday's best, but at least look like you want to get hit on!

Gary Coleman's Cash Call falls short like him

Whatever you do, think twice before signing up for a loan with ANY loan company, no matter how desperate you are. They don't care if you have a death in the family, have no job, or you're dying in the hospital. They only see one thing: $$$$$. All they want is their money. They only want to lend to you because they know they will get more back for the fact that they were kind enough to lend to you in the first place. Say you take out a loan for $10K. By the time you're done paying off that loan, you've paid back nearly double what you originally borrowed. So in reality, you're doing them a favor. I'd rather go through my bank and deal with their APR than a bunch of morons who are run like robots and find it necessary to torment and harass over the phone and in the mail. Not only have they been acting "professional" in their own view, they have become the little army men, of whom are responsible for running Bush's country. That's right, his country, not ours. I swear, I'm counting the days to the end of hell on Earth.

Interstate 80 in the Bay Area is going to collapse

Rolling into CA from the north, my partner and I had found the driving trip to be smooth and easy going... until... we entered into the realm of Ricmond and Berkeley. YIKES! Something we definitely did not miss about living in CA was the traffic conditions. Check this out: It's raining, cars are bumper to bumper, yet the merging traffic that's coming from the on-ramp to join the rest of the smashed tin cans decide to fly by at an easy 70 MPH when you shouldn't even be going the speed limit until you reach the freeway. NICE PEOPLE! Let me hand over a box of tissues for your issues. In the 20 years I lived in CA, I have come to noticed that even with traffic, there are people who find their needs and time to be more important so they must rush through to get passed those that have been waiting in line to get to their destination. Once we arrived the Bay Bridge toll plaza, the traffic merely trickled in. While on the bridge, I watched several folks get cut off, honked at, and of course tailgated. People, the freeway and the bridge aren't going anywhere, unless you keep it up and you'll see it go down thanks to your stupidity and impatience. Oh and before I forget, defensive driving is OUT, obeying the rules of the road is IN. If you want to play bumber cars, I'll throw you a sack of quarters and send you to Great America where you can have a field day. I'm applying a strong 10 to the many little lead foots of the Bay Area.

September came and went

6 days into the end of the month and now we're in October... And no new blogs from me since then. SO? I'm entitled to fartin' around, aren't I? Actually, I was on hiatus for a while. Needed to gather my thoughts while taking several rides on the Whaaaambulance to and from home to the Bay Area, CA. Was it worth it? Eh~ for what it's worth, my time "away" was well-spent. But you'll be sorry because I got lots to complain about this time around.

Gays and Lesbians dropping like flies from TV

A slight decline in the number of gay/ lesbian characters on TV has recently caught the attention of the LGBT and GLAAD communities. I wouldn't say it's a bad thing, but it does kind of strike me as a strange occurence. Actually, just the other day while watching one of the last episodes to Season 6 of Smallville, I was commenting in my head that it's nice how much strong lesbian and gay characters have been appearing on TV. Although she's gone, Rosie O'Donnell should still be considered one for when she was on The View. It's one thing to portray a gay/lesbian/bi character, but it's another thing to stand up for what you believe in and be who you are in front of millions of people of which many of them can be overly critical of the fact that you're that upfront about it. ABC is currently the broadcasting network with the most shows involving gay/lesbian characters as they "show their support." That's fine... but what's all the fuss about the decline? It's not that anyone is saying they're getting rid of them altogether. Who's making all the hoopla about it anyway? LGBT? GLAAD? Being a part of the LGBT community I can say this: You're here to help us have equal rights, not pick fights.

James Brown's estate up for grabs?

LaRhonda Petitt, a 45-yr. old retired flight attendant and school teacher says she has spent her whole life walking around looking like her daddy, namely James Brown, and wants a piece of what was in his will. I have to say, like in my previous blog regarding the King of Soul, or as I've liked to refer to him as Poppa Dynomite, the MAN IS DEAD people... let it go. His Last Will and Testament has 6 legitimate children listed; if you haven't been around to be acknowledged as someone he was close to, get over it - you're not getting a piece. What kills me is that Petitt was quoted saying, "I'm not talking no negative talk, I'm talking about what's right." Well... it's a good thing she retired from teaching because her English is "hurt." Darlin' if you're going to go public, know what you're going to say and say it right - and then of course don't attempt a lesson in morals or on how to tell the difference between right and wrong. Will somebody summon the Whaaaambulance on this lady? Please.... before someone else wants another scrap of carpet from the dead man's house.

The best way to show off to your girl is to shove a live snake in your mouth

A Portland, OR guy found a 20-inch rattler off a highway and took it home with him. To show off to his ex-girlfriend (did he really think this would win her back?), he decided to grow a set of balls and stuck the snake in his mouth. The snake got smart and grabbed a hold of the guy's tongue (probably tried to mate with it). Yes, the guy was drunk... not just on a 6-pk but had a mix of stuff. His tongue was swollen and blocked his airways - the nice ex took him to the hospital since she was the only sober one (they were at a friend's BBQ). The tongue was so swollen that doctors couldn't put a breathing tube down his throat and had to go into his chest.

Didn't mommy ever tell you not to put anything flammable, poisonous or sharp in your mouth? Well snakes are included dumb-ass! A nice round of applause (and 10 out of 10) for Mr. Wilkinson of Portland, OR... no one said we were perfect out here. But as we like to say, "KEEP PORTLAND WEIRD!"

San Francisco goes back to the Dark Ages

In late October, San Francisco will be turning out the lights to both the Bay Bridge and Golden Gate Bridge, Alcatraz Island, City Hall and most municipal buildings and will keep them that way for an hour to help promote a campaign to conserve energy and fight global warming. Well, considering that I used to live in the SF area for over 20 years I can say this: they need to do this for more than a fucking hour. If they were smart, that need to do this for 7 hours - 1 hour each day of the week. The way the people live and work in the City, and hour won't even cause a dent. Their goal is 15% conservation of electricity that is normally used on a Saturday night. Here's an idea: Shut down all the night clubs early! Maybe that'll also help lessen crime and accidents from intoxicated assholes roaming the streets in one clean swipe!

Period - that "time of the month"

It's called that because it happens once a month, in a perfect world... but it's also because it's that time of the month when you want to stay the hell away from mean bitches like me. This cycle is probably one of the worst I've had in a while. I used to have them pretty bad during high school where I couldn't go to school because I'd be bed ridden. As I get older it seems to only get worse with each passing month. This time around, my emotions are so friggin' fragile that even a sarcastic joke will get me to break down. I don't even want to have rugrats squeezed out of me so I feel like having my period is pointless. Men should have it too. All they get to deal with is "morning wood," "blue balls," sometimes pain when they pee. Hell at least they get to aim... Why God, why?!?!?!?

Phone Etiqutte out of style

One of the rudest things to do is tell someone you're going to call them back and then you don't. Naturally if you don't like the person and you're just trying to avoid them, then it's acceptable. But for people who you intend on staying friends with, or people you know you want to maintain good contact with for the sake of keeping them in your life, period... for God's sakes call them when you say you will!

My shit-list has this as one of the top-ranking items that is a pet peeve of mine. I like to have certain people make sure to call me when they're going out of town for what ever reason... I want to know that they're safe, etc. When I don't get a call like they say they will, I not only freak out, I get PISSED OFF in a big way. NO ONE wants to deal with my temper. Anger issues? Nah... but you definitely want to stay away from my dark side. Same goes for emails. If you say you're going to email someone back, do it. It takes less effort than having to come up with something to say and how to say it over the phone. Call it being anal, but hell, I like it.

O.J. was just from concentrate - he's free... again...

O.J. made bail... a flippin' mere $125K. Considering all his charges and their corresponding severities, and then of course "just because," I would've made his bail amount and to be too high for him to pay so that he could sit and ferment in his cell where he belongs. He does nothing positive in life nor does he do any good for society. He needs to be taken out of circulation and forced to provide services to any "needy cell mates." Let's see how he likes that. He makes me sick.

Someone get me my personal whaaaambulance... I'm about to pass out. Just whatever you do, don't make me drink OJ... I'm allergic.

O.J. Simpson is riding the Whaaaambulance to Jail!

So the public put the squeeze on O.J. (no pun intended) and have pushed on with 11 charges that included kidnapping, armed robbery and assualt; this will put him in jail for the rest of his life - not like he may have much left at age 60 the way he's been carrying on. And have you checked out his most recent mugshot? Dickhead is smiling! Pathetic. Someone call me two whaaaambulances... he needs one for him and one for his memorabilia that's precious enough to committ a hideous crime. You've topped my shit list boy!

Saggy pants - a thing of the past - NOT!!!!

Folks in Atlanta, GA want to illegalize the fashion trend that was allegedly started in prisons. The sagging pants, that cause a good chunk of punks to strut their stuff and show what kind of underwear they're wearing, may soon be met with run-ins with law enforcement including a field trip and hands-on experience in jail. An example of this was made in Louisiana where if one were to be caught showing their boxers and/or buttocks, they received both a $500 fine and 6 months in jail; The fine City Officials in Trenton may just send one of guilt to a City worker where they will assess where you're headed in life.

The legend is that this fad began in prisons due to the lack of belts being given to the inmates so they can not be used for hangings or beatings. As a result, the fad caught on with rap artists and such in the late 80's, where they could be seen in rap videos; then the skater people decided to embrace the fad soon thereafter.

Some experts are led to believe that young people do this as a sign of rebellion and identity; they don't think of it as much as a fasion statement and don't find it to be negative.

Can this merely be a stereotype? I mean, I've seen plumbers and painters who don't show off their boxers but the cracks of their asses and I don't hear about those guys getting jailed or fined. I for one sag my pants to a point where you can only see the waistline of my boxers. I do this for personal reasons: I like the way it looks and it's comfortable. No one wants to see another person's ass (unless you like them of course) or what underwear they wear, but if it's going to come down to applying jail time with a fine, then will someone start to bring in the flood look back - come back with a "cool Steve Urkel look?" Kids are impressionable - if they like what they see, they will want a part of it. Otherwise, come up with another fucking solution. This is just more excuses for major cities to make bank off of the innocent who want to look good - I'd rather jail a pedophile than someone who doesn't know how to dress.

Anyway, do we have this much room in jails nationwide? Throw me a freakin' bone here!

Slappin' a big 10 on these assholes my friends... someone throw them in the dog house until the Whaaaambulance shows up.

Screwy bill collectors

You call to give them money, but then they either don't pick up the phone or you're put on hold for 72 minutes and 33 seconds. Yeah... I spent part of my weekend making sure my Money Gram payment reference number was received due to an email saying my payment was late. Naturally I was like, "WTF?" I call the person that told me to call to talk to them and leave them the reference number... were they there? Nope... not only that, but I got to sit on speaker phone for those 72:33 minutes listening to the same, repeated, god-awful elevator music, which was like a cross-over of Kenny G and Chris Botti meets John Tesh.

Attention Bill Collectors: If you don't want your flippin' money, then stop blowing up my phone and email! Whaaaaaaaa... tell Uncle Sam, the IRS and BBB to tell the bill collectors to go to hell! The whole damn country is in debt... you don't hear about bill collectors calling GW Bush at 8 AM on a Saturday morning!

O.J.'s "sting," the perfect plan!

It was one thing to deny his involvement with Nicole's death... but to think it was okay to head and operate what he referred to as a sting operation (obviously went awry) to get what rightfully belonged to him only said one thing to me: He's guilty and always will be. The man hasn't thought straight in over 10 years. I'm telling you, he's lost the stitching and fluff to his football. 10 for the pig-skinned sorry ass; while he's on the Whaaaambulance, the Petty Wagon is going to be closely tailgating him to make sure he doesn't make a run for the goal posts.

The bus ride from hell

Yes, another bus ride story... this was extraordinarily annoying.

The same loud mouth that usually gets on the bus screaming into her pink RAZR hasn't been on her phone the past week which has been nice. But today, she gets on and decides to stand right next to where I was seated and kept hitting me with her fat ass. I mean, every jolt of the bus caused her to hit me. Finally she moved down after several more people boarded the bus. Then this older couple (middle-aged) got on with luggage. The wife had the largest luggage, poor thing... and the husband had the smaller carry-all with something around his back. The guy decides to plant the carry-all right next to my hip where everytime the bus moved, he'd move and hit the luggage, causing it to pinch the skin on my thigh. Finally I shoved the luggage with my knee, got up and changed my seat. The wife told him that he had hit me - d'oh, I forgot that part - before he got "comfortable" standing next to me, he swung around to face his wife, which caused him to hit my face with whatever that thing was he was wearing on his back. Towards the end of it all, I saw a seat up towards the front become free, so I took it. The couple stared at me and the wife started to chew him out.

I needed the whaaaambulance there to feed me a Chai Latte with soy through an IV tube.

More celebrity bashing - J. "Ho" is NOT being original

It was cool and all when J. Lo hit it big in the box office by portraying Selena, God rest her soul... but to try and be like her is just too much for me to swallow.

The dancing on In Living Color was sweet... the new look she had when she came out with her first album was cool... then more albums, more videos, and her "relationships" with Ben Affleck and P. Diddy... started her up the shit pile. We later added more movies, and then her own fragrance - that wasn't nearly enough for the Latina Wonder (as in "I wonder why"). But now, she's got a clothing line out! Selena had a VERY similar career track and dream that were never lived out due to her untimely death. J.Lo needs to take a different road instead of hogging someone else's. So far she's managed a 9... her Whaaaambulance broke down so now I gotta send out the Petty Wagon.

Celebrity bashing for the middle of the week

The more I hear about random celebrity news, the less I appreciate them. And if it weren't crap on a celebrity, it's on well-known peeps.

First on the agenda: Kanya has taken the Whaaaambulance from his hometown of Atlanta to Chicago and to Vegas and back to the East Coast making sure he's heard. Not only was this cry-baby rapper whining about not winning, again, but he had to hate on MTV'S production of this year's VMA. He put the full blame on the ratings being all sucky because they wanted to put Britney on the stage thinking it'd be a profitable move on their part. Guess what Kanye? It ain't all about you!!! Britney crapped on herself, not MTV. Now stop being a whiney-ass and put something out there that's worth an award.

Put the man... er, excuse me, little boy, back on the Whaaaambulance and send him back to School of Whiners where they get paid to care. BIG 10 MY MAN!

A robber needs a hard-on too... sometimes...

TOTALLY random... I had to laugh my ass off at this...

A 24 yr-old dude in St. Paul decides to go into this woman's house and demands her cellphone and keys. After she handed those over, he made himself right at home... he took off her shoes and decides to lick her toes.

WTF? What ever happened to good ol' fashioned porn? And what about strip joints? I'm sure if you pay enough they'll let you lick their toes... Well if you're into toe-jam then fine!

Ugh... 8 out of 10 for the Toe Fettish Freak

Senior Citizens are not such an easy target for robbery

I wouldn't think of taking advantage of old people... EVER. I've seen old people who were made to stand on fast moving buses where the drivers love to slam on their brakes and the poor old people go flying across the way, landing on other passengers or lose their balance and have a bad fall. Then you've got the ones who look helpless but dress nice for the mall because they like to and want to... you think they're made of money... and then the bad thought runs across the greedy people's minds...

My dad was attacked in the parking lot of our local shopping mall a few years back... he was just minding his own business while walking to the car so he could drive up to the mall entrance to pick up my mom. Then this teenage Asian punk accompanied by two others came up behind him and pushed him against the car demanding his wallet. My dad refused, which prompted the asshole to swing at him... but instead, he missed and my dad punched him instead. The kid's two cronies did nothing but stare and then ran for it. Little did they know my dad used to be a fighter and was in the military. Don't mess with the bull if you can't take the horns!

Anyway, a 74 yr-old guy in NY almost fell vicitim to a similar asshole who demanded his wallet by using a tire iron as a threat. The old man fought and managed to take control of the tire iron. Needless to say the guy was a fool and was later caught and arrested for attempted robbery. Have people become that desperate that they feel the need to mess with the old folks? I can't say much for my dad's situation but this NY guy was lucky... a nice round 10 for the prick who didn't know what a tire iron was really for.

Oops, she... did it again! Hit her baby, One More Time!

How many more times does Britney Spears need to sabotage what's left of her career?

The media has covered a plethera of descriptions pertaining to her performance at this year's MTV's VMA, ranging from "sluggish" to "slothy" and "pathetic" to just plain "lazy." I'm inclined to agree with all of the above. She was reportedly spending the previous days to her (ahem) unforgettable performance partying in lights of Las Vegas. With the available footage of her during rehearsals, even then did she appear to be lifeless. Some are led to believe her weight gain from having her kids is what caused her slow movements - I say it was that god-awful weave... maybe too big for her? Or not a whole lot of brain to balance the weight on her scalp... what ever her excuses may be, she needs to look into early retirement. Bitch needed the Whaaaambulance a LONG time ago... better bring out the hearse too while we're at it.

Ode to Nagging

It's been enough that I do a job that involves assisting a firm of 20...

It's enough that all I want to do when I'm home is relax and do nothing...

I never thought home life was a continuation of the 8-hour work day...

I'd do more if I had the motivation, but once 5:30 hits, I want lay low.

I'm sorry if I'm not up to your standards or expectations...

But I'm not sorry for being me.

I don't have the ability to create time and focus like you have been able to for your job; you luckily have a better work enviornment than I do.

My focus has gone from a lot to nill, all because of a simple nagging job.

Cut a bitch some slack!

A high 10 for ya! The Whaaaambulance is brining luxury your way!

Notorious chocolate craving – and it isn’t even PMS time…

For the past 3 months, I’ve been getting these strange cravings right around the same time of day – just before lunch and just after dinner. My body has been in strong need of chocolate. I’ve tried to fix the craving by drinking the hot chocolate that the office provides, but it doesn’t cut it. I try not to buy any chocolate, but anytime I’m sent out on an errand, it’s hard not to get anything. We’re talking a plethora of chocolate, ranging from Cadbury™ Fruit & Nut, Caramello™, Irish Crème, and English Toffee flavors… then Twix™, Milky Way™, Whoppers™, Mr. Goodbar™… I’m like, “WHY GOD? WHY?” When I actually able to have my chocolate fix, I find myself with the ability to finish all of what I have in one sitting. How is this healthy? When I’m done, I drink a shit load of water, not that it washes away the bad stuff. When I am unable to have a fix, I want to get high. When I can’t even get into that state, I sit like a zombie. Why can’t chocolate come as easy as running water?

STOP REQUESTED

Many of you who take public transportation know and understand the importance of pulling the string on the bus that helps you get off at your stop. Once you hear, “DING!” you know you’re getting ready to off-board. Just to make sure, you look up to see if the STOP REQUESTED sign lit up in red… and it did. Well, in a perfect world the bus driver knows that someone wants to get off at the next stop. For the second time in a week, my bus driver went past my stop and went to the next which is 4 city blocks away, as opposed to my actual stop which takes me half a block away from my office. Either the man is deaf or he’s losing his touch. He has been my driver for the past month and knows where I get off – everyday. Maybe the STOP REQUESTED sign should be right on his steering wheel where he will see it no matter what… on that same note, the “DING” should be amplified right above him – he does use a microphone to announce the important stops… if we have to hear him, he should hear us, too! I don’t like screaming for the bus to stop, it creates too much attention. Next time, I’ll just yell out, “DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING!” Nah, never mind. Someone will think they won something.

Getting cozy on public transportation

Picture this: You get on your bus. It was about 5 minutes late. With every one of those extra minutes is an extra person more than usual so it’s fuller. You’ve got one seat available towards the back – one of the ones that are connected to two other seats and face the exit door of the bus. You sit down, relieved that you don’t have to stand with the rest of packed sardines.

Okay, now that you have that visual, check this out: so I sit down and get my bag situated on my lap so I don’t bump into the guy to my left (the wall separating me from the upstairs section of the bus was to my right). I closed my eyes to listen to Sang.Rael, absorbing every note to “Inside of You.” Next thing I know, the guy starts to “adjust” himself and his seated position, causing him to bump into my arm several times. I leaned up against the wall as much as I could so I wouldn’t have to touch him. Instead, the asshole decides he’s going to lean on me even more. WTF? So, I scooted up and away from the back of my seat so that I was practically at the edge. He opened his eyes, looked at me and said something but I couldn’t hear with the headphones on. Then he got up, sat back down and purposely rubbed up against me, again, only this time, he knocked my bag off my lap. I stood up, looked down at him and said, “Can I get you a bed? The roof of the bus is pretty flat!” Muthaf*cka said nothing. What is this need some people have to touch a total stranger on the bus? I was sleepy, too, but I wasn’t about to lean on a white man dressed in stained Dockers™ that were too tight in the crotch. 8 out of 10 for the man in need of “bus rubbing.”

Whoopi makes a statement on her first day on The View

I sure said "Whoopeee" when I heard that Whoopi Goldberg was Barbara Walter's new pick for The View. I love her as much, if not more, as Rosie O'Donnell.

On her first day with members of The View, Whoopi had made a statement that sounded as though she was defending Michael Vick, of the NFL team Atlanta Falcons. She compared the fact that dogfighting in the south is like cockfighting in Puerto Rico. Guess what my friends? She's right! Whoopi merely stated a fact... she was by no means attempting to side with anyone. She made a statement, shared her "view" if you will, with America, which is what Barbara brought her on board for. Fellow hostess Joy Behar appeared to be livid with Goldberg's statement, shooting back the question, "How about dog torture and dog murdering?" Goldberg stood her ground and stuck to her guns. I'm glad she said this because people are forgetting, Vick did something that has nothing to do with his career, nor was there any human lives at stake. However, it does not make it okay for people to cause harm to any kind of animal, period. He, like the rest of us, is only human. As Whoopi said, as soon as Vick realized that America did not condone his actions, he admitted to wrong-doing and dealt with the consequences accordingly. Now, drop it people... including you, Joy. 7 out of 10 - call the Whaaaambulance on these peeps who can't seem to move on - I give much kudos to Whoopi.

Jerry Lewis' anti-gay slur on annual telethon

Excuse the guy... he's 81 years old now.

Jerry made a joke towards his camera man, "part of the telethon family," referring to someone named "Bart" who is an illiterate fag." Not only did Jerry apologize quickly and expeditiously, but he meant every word. You have to understand, he's been there, done that. He can get away with this. GLAAD (Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation) got real jumpy at his comment and immediately said it was "unacceptable." Yes, we know, GLAAD, but guess what? Comedians have to make a living, too. 6 out of 10... sorry GLAAD, but you can't let too much power get to your heads.

Rhode Island man tries to get even with mom by threatening to kidnap… her CAT?

Garry Lamar, a 47-year old grown-ass man, decides to hold a grudge with his mother, 78-year old Mary Lamar Grancher, for kicking him out of the house due to reported abusive behavior. Because Mary was just continuing to be “mom,” he got pissed off and decided to threaten to kidnap her cat, her only true companion as she lives alone, and in the end squeezed out $20 grand from her. He was released last week on $200 bail and ordered to stay away. WTF? P-p-p-p-pa-the-tic! Garry, get a flippin’ life and leave your elder mom alone! She kicked your ass out… you need to find your place and live your own life, without her and the cat. 10 for the oldest cry baby in Rhode Island!

China policemen don’t like hugs?

Two individuals were detained by Chinese police near Jinshi, China for hugging in public. They were celebrating the Chinese version of Valentine’s Day, known as Qi Xi, amongst other couples who were showing various forms of affections. The two were separated by police for questioning and then taken into the station; they were not released until the fine of 5000 Yuan was paid – the equivalent to $660 dollars. I know the Chinese have their ways, but, don’t they know where kids come from? Without the hugging, there’d be no kissing… without the kissing, there’d be no fondling… no fondling, no fornication. I guess they just want it saved for the bedroom. Screw public affection! It’s all about hands-in-pockets! 10 for these cry-babies… I hope the two lovers got their money back.

Convicted peeper Marin man wants his porn back

Dennis Saunders, age 59, of San Rafael, is bitter because San Rafael Police confiscated some 500 porn movies and 250 magazines during a recent investigation which led to his conviction for peeping in and video taping a woman and teenage girl. Saunders’ lawyer’s argument on his behalf is that he’s entitled to his extensive porn collection since it has nothing to do with the case against him; the collection is said to be worth some $10K. Saunders apparently added to his wrap sheet back in ’02 which is when he was caught taping the 45-year old woman and 16-year old girl in their bedrooms and bathrooms at the apartment complex where he worked. On top of that were 48 additional counts of misdemeanors connected to sentencing of more than 8 years, which dates back to 1979. He had been released last month for good behavior. Um, hello? Whatever happened to conducting thorough background checks when hiring people? Dennis, darling, if you are in such need of porn in your life, just go and buy yourself a new collection and take lesson from the Birthday Suit man from Indiana… grab yourself a jar of Vasoline™ and rub one out in the comforts of your own home, away from the windows preferably. 9 out of 10 for Mr. Whack Job.

Multitasking while driving does not include the application of petroleum jelly or masturbation

An Indiana man, who decided to visit dear ol’ Ma in Ohio, felt comfortable enough to drive in his birthday suit towards the Indiana Toll Road, along with petroleum jelly on his hands. Motorists passing by this pro-nudity guy had allegedly “seen” enough that they were provoked to call local authorities. I wonder how long they actually watched him before calling State Troopers. So the guy was taken in for misdemeanor indecent exposure but was later released on a $1000 bond. 8 out of 10 - Would he have been caught with tinted windows, I wonder. Wouldn’t one have the same bit of privacy in their vehicle as they would inside a house? I mean, there’s peeping toms everywhere, looking into windows… those perverts should be thrown into jail, too, unless they’re paying to watch.

See what happens when you mess with Cheetos™?

A guy from Des Moines decides that while he’s high off of Meth, he’s gonna throw a bag of Cheetos™ at his dad’s face for no apparent reason. Well the result was a cut to the bridge of the dad’s nose from his eye glasses. Yeah… dude got arrested for domestic assault. Now who throws Cheetos™ at a person they’re mad at, really? I mean, at least use Pringles – the canister will at least cause more damage! I wonder if he opened the bag first. A “cheeto-eye” wouldn’t exactly feel comfortable I’m sure… 7 out of 10 for the Attack of the Killer Cheetos!

If you say “good morning” or “hello” to someone and they don’t answer you…

Well really, what do you do in those situations? It can be awkward, annoying, and not to mention, you feel slightly embarrassed, right? Well, I’ve got a handful of people in my office who like to come in through the front door and have this look of resentment. I can almost see the chaos running through their heads. Granted I’m not exactly a morning person, but it is part of my responsibility to meet and greet people as they come in. The problem is that they make my job more difficult by not replying. At least make eye contact with me for God’s sakes! Most of them have the tendency to just walk right by – and I’m no exactly quiet – my voice carries. I say, “Good morning!” with a rather cheery disposition (it is first thing in the morning, let’s get the day off to a good start), and all I get is their face staring at the floor and the look of “I want to beat the shit out of someone.” I’ve gotta meet and greet, so they better see and eat it!

Computers and Search engines… are they really helpful?

I haven’t written any blogs for almost a week because, well, I have a job. When you have a job, you’re supposed to work and work and work. But I didn’t even do that. I spent most of my time blogging and answering surveys on MySpace.com. Yes, it’s addictive. But that alone kept me busier than the office did. That and Popcap.com. I can’t get enough of the online games. What I hate is why my computer won’t let me download Yahoo IM unless I use the ever-so-slow Yahoo Beta email format. God it sucks. And talk about trying to bite off of Mac computers… has anyone noticed any similarities between Mac and Windows Vista? One is obviously a brain twister; the other is user friendly to any age range. Take your pick: work hard to get what you want, or take a short cut to get it over and done with. Why can’t every computer program just have ESP where they know what we want and just give it to us? Why so much typing and clicking to get to several links where we still have to figure out what the hell it is we’re looking for? I put in a search link to find pictures of crying babies, and Google gives me several porn links. Don’t they know I have a job I need to keep?

The heat won’t end! I HATE SUMMER!

The weather has been so odd. There will be a few days of heat spells, then a couple of days where it’s overcast. What’s worse is that when it’s 80 degrees outside, it’s 90 inside my apartment. Even with all the windows open, the heat is just unbearable. I tried to cool off in the pool but there were bugs everywhere from flying above the pool – and of course they were dead from the chlorine… either way I wasn’t about to swim amongst bug carcasses. I could feel my skin crawling while in the water. It took me over an hour to try and get comfortable enough to just try to fall asleep… and I was in the bum on top of my bed. When all my attempts failed, I went to play on the internet around midnight, and just by sitting there, the sweat came down my head and back like I had just got out of the shower. I almost went streaking out my front door. I didn’t care if the neighbors would see me. On top of that I was horny but my partner had already fallen asleep. So then I was hot AND pent up. WTF?! Where’s a flippin’ Dairy Queen™ when you need one? I can’t wait for the winter season. It’s so much easier to stay warm than it is to stay cooler. I guess it would help if I didn’t have any extra insulation.

Second day of peace-shattering on the bus ride to work

The same White girl got on the bus this morning with her pink RAZR™ glued to her ear. Some of the same people from yesterday’s trip were on the bus this morning… and we all held our breath to be prepared for another episode. To our surprise, she was on the phone for less than 2 minutes. She kept screaming at the person not to hang up. Once they did, she kept looking at her phone, over and over again. A few of us let out a little giggle. Half way through the trip, I started to doze off because it was 90 degrees inside my apartment last night… I couldn’t sleep worth a damn. I felt myself fall into a deep sleep… until this guy that reeked of alcohol and body odor banged my left knee real hard with his little black carry-on luggage trying to wake me up so he could sit next to me. I looked at him, got up real slow, and watched him while he got situated. I refused to sit next to him so I got up and stood by the rear exit door since I was only three stops away from my destination. As I stood there, he turned around and yelled out, “Ugly Dyke! Fucking stupid bitch!” I yelled back, “Don’t hate… just because my dick is bigger than yours!” The driver looked at me through the rear view mirror and gave me a thumbs-up gesture, and a few of the passengers cheered. I wished I could’ve hit that guy on the head with his luggage. That shit hurt… my knee is still sore… it felt like a ton of bricks were thrown on it. He was off the scale – beyond a 10; he needed the Whaaaambulance with a bunch of EMT’S followed by a large tub with bleach and soap to clean his ass.

Still thinking about the old workplace

Lately I’ve been getting a good handful of people who have been showing their appreciation for all that I do. My job isn’t at all that difficult actually; the hardest part is keeping more than one person happy simultaneously, almost like babysitting. But at my last job, I was nothing more than a female (they couldn’t drop the fact that I was a minority, too) that was to do whatever they demanded of me. My opinions never mattered. They could’ve cared less about my past experience and expertise. What’s even more amazing was that these two people were department heads and neither of them knew what the hell they were doing. My old boss didn’t even know how to do an email attachment! The other department head had other people doing the job they should’ve been doing. Coincidentally, they both had the tendency to freely admit that they weren’t attuned to company policies and procedures. When we got audited, I was told, in short to cover their asses. Had it not been for the money, I would’ve blown their cover. These people, as well as the company as a whole, were the most inconsiderable and fucked up people I’ve ever worked with. All they cared about were themselves and money. It was most befitting of the industry – it was connected to properties, I’ll leave it as that. Rude, greedy, self-centered, and hypocritical and a bunch of liars... oh yeah, two-faced, can’t forget that. I think that one of them was even a lush! I’m slapping a 10 on these people… they actually need to be carried away in loony wagons.

Leona Helmsley cares more about her dog than her grandchildren!

Yes, you heard it right folks. Leona Helmsley left her dog, conveniently named “Trouble,” a whopping $12 Mil in her will. What in dog’s hell is a dog going to do with $12 million? Wear a Versace™ purse around its neck, or a Tiffany™ diamond-studded collar? In addition to this, she left an unknown amount, said to be millions, to her brother Alvin Rosenthal who is also in charge of taking care of Trouble. Two out of four of her grandchildren from her son Jay Panzirer will be getting a said amount of $5 Mil with the condition that they visit their father’s grave “once each calendar year.” If they don’t they can kiss the money good-bye. Well that sounds pretty simple doesn’t it? The other two grand children get nothing for “reasons that are known to them” as she stated in her will. I’m sorry, but, how many times did she see “Mommie Dearest” (Faye Dunaway)? Talk about being a copycat! “NO…WIRE HANGERS!” I slap a 10 on this one. Leona, honey, you can buy several tribes with $12 Mil. But Trouble will only live up to its name… best thing it can do is collect milk bones and try to bury them next to its master’s grave.

Peace shattered on the bus

Typically, my bus ride to work is relatively peaceful. Everyone is polite – no pushing or shoving, always saying “excuse me” or “thank you.” Two bus stops after mine, this White girl, wearing skin-tight black pants and a white shirt gets on. She was talking on her pink RAZR™, and I don’t mean just talking into the phone, but to everyone on the bus. I mean she got heads to turn. I had my headphones to my MP3 player near maximum volume, and I could still hear her! The poor girl next to her had been napping prior to her entry onto the bus… and of course, she had to sit right next to her! She felt the need to let everyone in on her conversation. From what I could pick up, she was talking to someone who wanted to move out of their current residence before their lease was up. She talked so much that I think 90% of her conversation was with herself. Her voice carried right through my Noise Cancellation headphones like a knife through butter. She had the most nasal voice, kept using hand gestures that would continuously bump into her napping neighbor, who, might I add, opened her eyes on several occasions and would appear ready to beat the crap out of her. When she finally got off the phone, you could hear a heavy sigh of relief throughout the bus, including the driver. She was definitely a 10… I needed the Whaaaambulance to pick her ass up in a bad way.

At the dinner table – Rectangular vs. Round

Andy Milonakis showed off a tattoo he received of a coffee table. He described it as “mundane.” It may be ordinary and boring, but I enjoy its shape and use. I feel the complete opposite about round tables. I grew up having to use this huge round table for fancy dinners, especially when everyone and their mom were over at the house. I can’t stand round tables. I’m forced to look at everyone around me; what if I’ve got company that I can’t stand! Round tables make me feel like I’m losing space around me. I tend to lean more towards the use of the traditional rectangular tables where the heads of the family can sit at either end. You really get to practice manners in passing the salt & pepper, etc, whereas with a round table, everyone tends to reach over you for what they want. Call me weird… call me strange… I don’t like round tables.

Couldn’t bear to bury his dead-for-two-years mother!

A German dude lost his 92 year old mother to natural causes back in 2005. She died in her favorite arm chair. So what happens? The guy gets the death certificate but never registered her actual death and let her sit in her favorite arm chair to rot, never to enter the room she was in ever again. After two years his neighbors called to report the corpse which in turn brought charges against the guy for “violating German burial law.” What? Did this guy live with the nasty-ass rotting smell? Was he afraid that if he lifted her from her chair she’d smack him? The neighbors obviously knew about it… how is that okay? Two years later, I can only imagine that the poor woman’s remains are literally “one with the chair.”

Fake Benjamins managed to pass for real with some strippers, until…

Heard about Damon Armagost from Tennessee? Well this guy apparently thought he was smart enough to pass some fake $100 bills at some strip joint. He’s obviously facing federal charges for his idiotic crime… I mean, come on. We’re 7 years into the new millennium. Who in their right mind would think they can simply copy and paste a picture of Ben Franklin off the internet and try to pass them up with strippers who see the real deal 24-7? This guy thought he was so slick that he spent $600 in one sitting for lap dances. Now considering what the cost might be in TN, if you divide that by $20, that’s potentially 30 lap dances. Were the ho's as dumb as him?

I Have No Tissues For Celebrity Issues

So, Bette Midler took it upon herself to remove a bunch of “nonnative” trees around one of her property in Kauai. This was apparently done without a permit. Now the City is inclined to charge her a fine – a fine for cutting down 230 trees in a vacant lot that was not in use. For God’s sakes people, it’s a celebrity who wanted to make her living environment a better place. Don’t forget that she’s well-known for her support of recycling and many Green organizations. Once more, another City takes one in the ass and wants to squeeze money from the rich for it. Leave the lady alone… sell her the vacant lot if you want money that bad! 7 out of 10… call the Whaaaambulance on those City peeps. Better yet, cut another 250 trees in an unknown, vacant lot.

Amy, Amy, Amy… Mrs. Winehouse canceled her tours on American and Canadian soil so that she can rest for her reported condition of exhaustion. Normally I’d say screw the tabloids, but in this case I’m impartial. The buzz is that she used to have past battles with drugs and a penchant for alcohol and marijuana. Well that explains her malnutrition-look. It’s either that or she’s anorexic… for being age 23, she’s pretty tiny – like Calista Flockhart pre Harrison Ford. Just go to rehab, baby girl. Don’t sing about it. 5 out of 10… call the Whaaaambulance if she still refuses to go to rehab.




Another attempt made to nab the cash from a celebrity… a dead one at that… A third woman was given a 99.99% probability that her son was sprung from the loins of James Brown. If the hoe is second-guessing where her son came from, that tells you something. James Brown died on Christmas Day, 2006. Why on Earth would someone be so concerned over a dead man’s money? Must we cause him to turn in his grave? 6 out of 10… call the Whaaaambulance on James Brown’s concubines who couldn’t keep track of who they were sleeping with.

Welcome to your first ride on the Whaaaambulance!

Day in day out, we have things that happen to us and around us that we just simply don't like or can't stand. The natural, human reaction would be to complain about it, right? Well, for those that have the tendency to complain so much that it practically becomes a hobby to complain, your friends, family and significant others want to smack you upside the head and say, "Stop your whining already!" Here you can enjoy my ride on the Whaaaambulance. Wah!