Still thinking about the old workplace

Lately I’ve been getting a good handful of people who have been showing their appreciation for all that I do. My job isn’t at all that difficult actually; the hardest part is keeping more than one person happy simultaneously, almost like babysitting. But at my last job, I was nothing more than a female (they couldn’t drop the fact that I was a minority, too) that was to do whatever they demanded of me. My opinions never mattered. They could’ve cared less about my past experience and expertise. What’s even more amazing was that these two people were department heads and neither of them knew what the hell they were doing. My old boss didn’t even know how to do an email attachment! The other department head had other people doing the job they should’ve been doing. Coincidentally, they both had the tendency to freely admit that they weren’t attuned to company policies and procedures. When we got audited, I was told, in short to cover their asses. Had it not been for the money, I would’ve blown their cover. These people, as well as the company as a whole, were the most inconsiderable and fucked up people I’ve ever worked with. All they cared about were themselves and money. It was most befitting of the industry – it was connected to properties, I’ll leave it as that. Rude, greedy, self-centered, and hypocritical and a bunch of liars... oh yeah, two-faced, can’t forget that. I think that one of them was even a lush! I’m slapping a 10 on these people… they actually need to be carried away in loony wagons.

Leona Helmsley cares more about her dog than her grandchildren!

Yes, you heard it right folks. Leona Helmsley left her dog, conveniently named “Trouble,” a whopping $12 Mil in her will. What in dog’s hell is a dog going to do with $12 million? Wear a Versace™ purse around its neck, or a Tiffany™ diamond-studded collar? In addition to this, she left an unknown amount, said to be millions, to her brother Alvin Rosenthal who is also in charge of taking care of Trouble. Two out of four of her grandchildren from her son Jay Panzirer will be getting a said amount of $5 Mil with the condition that they visit their father’s grave “once each calendar year.” If they don’t they can kiss the money good-bye. Well that sounds pretty simple doesn’t it? The other two grand children get nothing for “reasons that are known to them” as she stated in her will. I’m sorry, but, how many times did she see “Mommie Dearest” (Faye Dunaway)? Talk about being a copycat! “NO…WIRE HANGERS!” I slap a 10 on this one. Leona, honey, you can buy several tribes with $12 Mil. But Trouble will only live up to its name… best thing it can do is collect milk bones and try to bury them next to its master’s grave.

Peace shattered on the bus

Typically, my bus ride to work is relatively peaceful. Everyone is polite – no pushing or shoving, always saying “excuse me” or “thank you.” Two bus stops after mine, this White girl, wearing skin-tight black pants and a white shirt gets on. She was talking on her pink RAZR™, and I don’t mean just talking into the phone, but to everyone on the bus. I mean she got heads to turn. I had my headphones to my MP3 player near maximum volume, and I could still hear her! The poor girl next to her had been napping prior to her entry onto the bus… and of course, she had to sit right next to her! She felt the need to let everyone in on her conversation. From what I could pick up, she was talking to someone who wanted to move out of their current residence before their lease was up. She talked so much that I think 90% of her conversation was with herself. Her voice carried right through my Noise Cancellation headphones like a knife through butter. She had the most nasal voice, kept using hand gestures that would continuously bump into her napping neighbor, who, might I add, opened her eyes on several occasions and would appear ready to beat the crap out of her. When she finally got off the phone, you could hear a heavy sigh of relief throughout the bus, including the driver. She was definitely a 10… I needed the Whaaaambulance to pick her ass up in a bad way.

At the dinner table – Rectangular vs. Round

Andy Milonakis showed off a tattoo he received of a coffee table. He described it as “mundane.” It may be ordinary and boring, but I enjoy its shape and use. I feel the complete opposite about round tables. I grew up having to use this huge round table for fancy dinners, especially when everyone and their mom were over at the house. I can’t stand round tables. I’m forced to look at everyone around me; what if I’ve got company that I can’t stand! Round tables make me feel like I’m losing space around me. I tend to lean more towards the use of the traditional rectangular tables where the heads of the family can sit at either end. You really get to practice manners in passing the salt & pepper, etc, whereas with a round table, everyone tends to reach over you for what they want. Call me weird… call me strange… I don’t like round tables.

Couldn’t bear to bury his dead-for-two-years mother!

A German dude lost his 92 year old mother to natural causes back in 2005. She died in her favorite arm chair. So what happens? The guy gets the death certificate but never registered her actual death and let her sit in her favorite arm chair to rot, never to enter the room she was in ever again. After two years his neighbors called to report the corpse which in turn brought charges against the guy for “violating German burial law.” What? Did this guy live with the nasty-ass rotting smell? Was he afraid that if he lifted her from her chair she’d smack him? The neighbors obviously knew about it… how is that okay? Two years later, I can only imagine that the poor woman’s remains are literally “one with the chair.”

Fake Benjamins managed to pass for real with some strippers, until…

Heard about Damon Armagost from Tennessee? Well this guy apparently thought he was smart enough to pass some fake $100 bills at some strip joint. He’s obviously facing federal charges for his idiotic crime… I mean, come on. We’re 7 years into the new millennium. Who in their right mind would think they can simply copy and paste a picture of Ben Franklin off the internet and try to pass them up with strippers who see the real deal 24-7? This guy thought he was so slick that he spent $600 in one sitting for lap dances. Now considering what the cost might be in TN, if you divide that by $20, that’s potentially 30 lap dances. Were the ho's as dumb as him?

I Have No Tissues For Celebrity Issues

So, Bette Midler took it upon herself to remove a bunch of “nonnative” trees around one of her property in Kauai. This was apparently done without a permit. Now the City is inclined to charge her a fine – a fine for cutting down 230 trees in a vacant lot that was not in use. For God’s sakes people, it’s a celebrity who wanted to make her living environment a better place. Don’t forget that she’s well-known for her support of recycling and many Green organizations. Once more, another City takes one in the ass and wants to squeeze money from the rich for it. Leave the lady alone… sell her the vacant lot if you want money that bad! 7 out of 10… call the Whaaaambulance on those City peeps. Better yet, cut another 250 trees in an unknown, vacant lot.

Amy, Amy, Amy… Mrs. Winehouse canceled her tours on American and Canadian soil so that she can rest for her reported condition of exhaustion. Normally I’d say screw the tabloids, but in this case I’m impartial. The buzz is that she used to have past battles with drugs and a penchant for alcohol and marijuana. Well that explains her malnutrition-look. It’s either that or she’s anorexic… for being age 23, she’s pretty tiny – like Calista Flockhart pre Harrison Ford. Just go to rehab, baby girl. Don’t sing about it. 5 out of 10… call the Whaaaambulance if she still refuses to go to rehab.




Another attempt made to nab the cash from a celebrity… a dead one at that… A third woman was given a 99.99% probability that her son was sprung from the loins of James Brown. If the hoe is second-guessing where her son came from, that tells you something. James Brown died on Christmas Day, 2006. Why on Earth would someone be so concerned over a dead man’s money? Must we cause him to turn in his grave? 6 out of 10… call the Whaaaambulance on James Brown’s concubines who couldn’t keep track of who they were sleeping with.

Welcome to your first ride on the Whaaaambulance!

Day in day out, we have things that happen to us and around us that we just simply don't like or can't stand. The natural, human reaction would be to complain about it, right? Well, for those that have the tendency to complain so much that it practically becomes a hobby to complain, your friends, family and significant others want to smack you upside the head and say, "Stop your whining already!" Here you can enjoy my ride on the Whaaaambulance. Wah!